A daughter's Pain

Whats up revolutionists! Tonight after another tearful break down I decided to pen an open letter to my father. He passed away over a year ago and by the looks of things the result of not getting closure has taken a toll on me. Although I might not be able to get a response I know that this is necessary for my well being and my sanity. So here we go! Dear Eddie, From as long as I can remember you have never been there for me. When I took my first step, when I lost my first tooth or even when I had my heart broken for the first time. What I do remember is countless phone calls about promised presents and visits that never came. I prayed to God everyday to send me someone that would show me a father's love and no one ever came. Every time we spoke all I could remember is you telling me how much you love me but you never showed it. You left me alone to fend for myself. You weren't there to protect me when the boys came once again with promises they knew they would never deliver. You weren't there when I had my first heart break and I needed you to tell me it would be ok. Because of you I keep looking for these men to fill this hole that you left there and I keep finding men like you. It was so many things I had to tell you and ask you before you died so I could move on so I could understand. Then you left forever and Ill never know. I will never know how to love properly or what I should put up with or for you to sit me down and show me what I deserve. I tried so hard to hate you but my heart cant allow me to hate someone who is part of the reason I am alive in the first place. The type of pain I feel comes in the form of a heart attack as I try to navigate my way through this world. I keep asking God for guidance hoping he would be the one man who never leads me astray but then I get back to this internal struggle of hating you. All the money and the material possessions in this world I would give up so I can have one conversation with you so you could tell me it will be ok and that one day someone is coming to come along and love me for me and treat how i deserve. Why were you never there? How could you bring me into this world and leave me all alone, I have to hate you for that. Now I am at this place and I have these questions that only you can answer. How will I ever know. I will never know, but I had to tell you this that wherever you are I hope that you find absolution and that God has truly forgiven you. I pray that you are RIP because I needed this I needed to tell you that I forgive you too. To my future children I just want you to know that I am fighting to be better so that I can be strong for you and that I hope both of your parents will love you enough to protect you.

When Men get too Comfortable...

Hey Revolutionists, I recently had a discussion with one of my favorite people in the world and relationships came up. I always wondered why in some relationships men got too comfortable where they start to think they dont have to say the little things that got us in the first place. Sometimes men don't understand its the little things that make the biggest impression on our days. Little texts or calls just to say "I was thinking about you and I wanted to make sure you are ok...Compliments about a new hairstyle or flowers just because its Tuesday. I know that its a little corny but those little things go a long way. How many times have you seen women leave relationships that everyone thought was perfect? We all get to thinking why would she leave a good man. Some other man has caught wind to that and they will come along and tell us what we need to hear. Sometimes women seek that comfort in other men, something so simple can make everything really complicated. A lot of times women don't say anything and assume that the man should know. Its kind of up to us to communicate effectively. I know that in past relationships I always kind of went with the flow and I didn't speak my mind or got what I deserved and I became content with that. But I have grown and learned from all of that and I know better now. I am still a work in progress but in the beginning I make sure that me and the person is on the same page so that down the line there are no misunderstandings. So continue to join me on this journey to self discovery to find love and happiness.

Should life really be this hard?

Hey Revolutionists, Have you ever sat down and thought, "Could things get any worse?" ... When it seems like nothing can ever go right and everything is suddenly spiraling out of control. Well that’s how I feel at the moment. People express themselves in different ways but writing is therapeutic for me. I felt like I did everything right, I ran track for half my life, I got scholarships to high school and college and I saved my mother a ton of money. Even when I had to come home and I knew that the economy was bad but I felt that I was coming home to serve a purpose. I was met with unemployment for half a year and a corrupt system filled with "who you knows". I try everyday not to question God because I know that we are all called to a purpose for those who believe in him and have faith but these are trying times. You know they say never look at other people's lives and question the way it is because you do not know what it took for them to get there. I try to believe that my country is better and if I do things the right way, with my credentials, education and experience that it would pay off. But it certainly has not, I feel like I am going backward in a way, making less money than two years ago, moving back home and starting at entry level positions. It’s like I have to start from scratch. I have Faith that things will get better but sometimes I feel like it is ok to vent. One day I know that my way of doing things will pay off because I have dreams bigger than this planet. "Sometimes you just have to live through the nightmares to get to your dreams."-Bianca Strachan