Hey Revolutionists,
I'm back and with some sad news. At 3:30am my father passed away. I don't know how to feel about it, there are a million and one emotions running through me right now. First I was overwhelmed with sadness, I cried..Then I was angry, I was mad because he left to soon...Then there was the guilt, guilt of hating him and being mad at him for so long. Now I feel a little empty like something was lost that can never be found.
I have written about my Father a few times and all the times have been about him never being there and the broken promises and how basically all my mistrust in men has stemmed from him. Then there is the unanswered questions, all the things I wish I could a chance to ask but can never do it now that he is gone.
How do you feel when your father dies? Does it matter in the end that you never worked things out? Do you ever get closure? Will your heart completely heal?
I don't know why but the minute I found out, I felt a wall close around my heart and led me into a feeling of nothingness.
How will I ever know?
My heart is fading.....
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
When my faith was shaken HE showed me the way
Hey Revolutionists!
Life has been challenging lately, a lot of bad things going on at once, I always say its like living in a perfect storm. As a result of this my faith had been a little shaky. I had all these questions but no answers. I kept wondering why and I kept looking for signs to show me if there really was a GOD.
Then something happened yesterday that made me do some serious soul searching and I something powerful made me realize how good GOD is. I lost my purse yesterday on the campus shuttle and it literally had everything in it; my passport, social security card, bank cards, insurance card...basically my whole life was in there. So as I went on a quest to retrace my steps a million and one things went on through my mind. I just prayed and prayed for God to guide and look over my purse and make sure that it was safe and that no one had taken it and used what was in it for their benefit. You know what I found my purse just where I left it, it was just there sitting and waiting for me to come back and find it.
BUT!...what was so crazy was that during the time all this was going on I called a few people and some didn't answer, and some didn't offer help but one of them did as much as they could do. It made me thin about a lot of things.
BUT! here is how I see it, my lost purse represented something deeper, my heart...its been lost for a min waiting for me to come and find it. I have reached out to ppl but they just ha vent been able to help me the way that I need it. Finally God has been keeping it safe and sound waiting for me to come back and find it. It is through him I will be totally fulfilled. It is him who I looked to for help to find my purse and he lead me to it where it was sitting there waiting safe and sound for me to come back to it.
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
— Maya Angelou
"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me."
— Maya Angelou
So continue to follow me on this journey to self discovery and happiness...
love u guys
Life has been challenging lately, a lot of bad things going on at once, I always say its like living in a perfect storm. As a result of this my faith had been a little shaky. I had all these questions but no answers. I kept wondering why and I kept looking for signs to show me if there really was a GOD.
Then something happened yesterday that made me do some serious soul searching and I something powerful made me realize how good GOD is. I lost my purse yesterday on the campus shuttle and it literally had everything in it; my passport, social security card, bank cards, insurance card...basically my whole life was in there. So as I went on a quest to retrace my steps a million and one things went on through my mind. I just prayed and prayed for God to guide and look over my purse and make sure that it was safe and that no one had taken it and used what was in it for their benefit. You know what I found my purse just where I left it, it was just there sitting and waiting for me to come back and find it.
BUT!...what was so crazy was that during the time all this was going on I called a few people and some didn't answer, and some didn't offer help but one of them did as much as they could do. It made me thin about a lot of things.
BUT! here is how I see it, my lost purse represented something deeper, my heart...its been lost for a min waiting for me to come and find it. I have reached out to ppl but they just ha vent been able to help me the way that I need it. Finally God has been keeping it safe and sound waiting for me to come back and find it. It is through him I will be totally fulfilled. It is him who I looked to for help to find my purse and he lead me to it where it was sitting there waiting safe and sound for me to come back to it.
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
— Maya Angelou
"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me."
— Maya Angelou
So continue to follow me on this journey to self discovery and happiness...
love u guys
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Can't do it alone
Hey Revolutionists,
Everyday I am faced with challenges and for so long I have been in a dark place and recently I visited a place I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. This post is something that is extremely hard to write but necessary. I see the self worth and respect of the women of our generation deteriorating at a very fast pace.
You know what is so crazy, the minute you start to speak out on your own, you are quickly labeled as some bitter female and marked with the infamous "that's why you are single". Is this true? Have men become the ruler of everything we use to believe in?
Love isn't the same anymore, it is not the same love that use to be shared 50years ago. Something happened and something that puts a fear in me so great that I don't ever think I can allow myself to completely fall in love with someone again.
We give men too much power, if we decide to talk to a man who has a girl, or wife or significant other, when only one party leaves do you think that it will effect him at all? No! because he still and will always have a plan B.
That is where we go wrong as women, we allow them to constantly have plan Bs and Cs and all the way to Zs. He is not going to be phased because we go about it wrong, we get mad at the other woman and we make it into a competition. We think well I am going to keep holding on because one day he is going to realize i been holding him down this long and he is going to come around. Then we also think I am going to stick around and eventually the other woman will grow tired and leave and then you wake up 2-3 years later and she is still there and you have already invested too much time, money, love and energy into something built on nothing.
Why keep gambling your faith, happiness, self worth and everything a woman stands for because we think we cant live without a man? I know love is powerful and that fear that you wont be able to move on consumes you but you need to know you deserve better. I realized it a little too late and I have lost way more than I invested!
You have to make decision to which pain you are going to take because trust me there is going to be pain no matter what, I call it my double edge sword. You have to decide if you are going to leave now and take the pain that comes with moving on from something so damaging or the pain of staying and knowing that you are not getting treat right and knowing the longer you stay the worse it is going to be.
You also have to realize that what is written by God cannot be stopped or changed by man, it can be deterred but never destroyed. I have been called pathetic, desperate, every derogatory word than can be thought of. I have been told to kill myself, I have had girls try to ruin my scholarship, anything you can think of it has happened to me. But through it all the most important thing I have realized to be true to myself and always keep my faith in God. Because if these things happened to me because I was guilty of loving a man, there is nothing I would change about my decisions I had made to stay initially. But I have realized that in order for me to live a more positive lifestyle, I need to get rid of the negative factors.
So continue to walk with me on this journey to self discovery and always remember when the praising go up the blessings come down. I love everyone who supports me because I CANNOT DO IT ALONE!
Everyday I am faced with challenges and for so long I have been in a dark place and recently I visited a place I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. This post is something that is extremely hard to write but necessary. I see the self worth and respect of the women of our generation deteriorating at a very fast pace.
You know what is so crazy, the minute you start to speak out on your own, you are quickly labeled as some bitter female and marked with the infamous "that's why you are single". Is this true? Have men become the ruler of everything we use to believe in?
Love isn't the same anymore, it is not the same love that use to be shared 50years ago. Something happened and something that puts a fear in me so great that I don't ever think I can allow myself to completely fall in love with someone again.
We give men too much power, if we decide to talk to a man who has a girl, or wife or significant other, when only one party leaves do you think that it will effect him at all? No! because he still and will always have a plan B.
That is where we go wrong as women, we allow them to constantly have plan Bs and Cs and all the way to Zs. He is not going to be phased because we go about it wrong, we get mad at the other woman and we make it into a competition. We think well I am going to keep holding on because one day he is going to realize i been holding him down this long and he is going to come around. Then we also think I am going to stick around and eventually the other woman will grow tired and leave and then you wake up 2-3 years later and she is still there and you have already invested too much time, money, love and energy into something built on nothing.
Why keep gambling your faith, happiness, self worth and everything a woman stands for because we think we cant live without a man? I know love is powerful and that fear that you wont be able to move on consumes you but you need to know you deserve better. I realized it a little too late and I have lost way more than I invested!
You have to make decision to which pain you are going to take because trust me there is going to be pain no matter what, I call it my double edge sword. You have to decide if you are going to leave now and take the pain that comes with moving on from something so damaging or the pain of staying and knowing that you are not getting treat right and knowing the longer you stay the worse it is going to be.
You also have to realize that what is written by God cannot be stopped or changed by man, it can be deterred but never destroyed. I have been called pathetic, desperate, every derogatory word than can be thought of. I have been told to kill myself, I have had girls try to ruin my scholarship, anything you can think of it has happened to me. But through it all the most important thing I have realized to be true to myself and always keep my faith in God. Because if these things happened to me because I was guilty of loving a man, there is nothing I would change about my decisions I had made to stay initially. But I have realized that in order for me to live a more positive lifestyle, I need to get rid of the negative factors.
So continue to walk with me on this journey to self discovery and always remember when the praising go up the blessings come down. I love everyone who supports me because I CANNOT DO IT ALONE!
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