Hey Revolutionists,
I know you see the title and you probably are wondering whats been going on for me to feel that way. Well #1 I finally got a job after 100s and 100s of applications and let downs. I finally feel like my life it taking off in the right direction and I can see which way I am suppose to go.
The other day I went to church and I think it was the best service I have ever been to. I felt like the pastor was speaking directly to me, I felt he knew what was conflicting my heart.
How many of you at least once a day or week or month think that you are the only one going through problems or that you have it worse than everyone...ok are you done thinking? Well that was me allllll the time, I always thought that I was the only one going through things and I alwayssss questioned God.
But the pastor made me realize something I already knew, it takes bad things happening for you to appreciate the good. He compared life to a car battery..what does it take to give the battery power, NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE working together. If there are two positives the battery will not work. Apply that to your life, if everything is going good for you all the time, you basically have no real power in life.
Another point I wanted to make is that if you guys ever found yourself in a situation that you keep getting in that may not seem good to everyone else just remember one thing and you can quote me on this. YOU CAN indeed go back but if you do one last time go back different than before, do not lose yourself and who you truly are.
The difference in me is that I am trying to do whats best for me, I have a new job and I am focusing on that, everything else comes secondary.
Romans 8:28 ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE GOOD
just remember that all things happen for a reason and always try to see the positive in a bad situation, everything happens for a reason and you never meet people by chance, its what is meant to be.
So continue to join me on this journey to self discovery, mending one broken heart at a time.
Scripture for the day Romans 8:28-30
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
when times get hard, what can u count on to get through?
Hey Revolutionists,
I know its been a minute but it has been really crazy the last week and a half. On a good note though I officially graduated, the experience has been overwhelming and exciting and I am glad to get that part of my life over with.
Why the title then?
Have you ever had something so bad happen that you have no control over and you continuously want a better outcome, but you are always the one who gets screwed in the end?
Have you ever had the same thing happen to you over and over again and you just wonder why things can't work out in your favor just ONE time, So that you can know what it feels like to be happy?
But you know what, even though it has never worked out, I am going to keep trying and moving until it does. I believe in real love. I believe that one day I am going to find that person who makes me feel like I'm floating on air. I can feel that feeling and I know its real, I know its out there.
So if you feeling the same way as me, just know its going to be OK, we are going to get to the other side together. I don't have much to say but this is kind of how I am feeling, I can neglect you'll now, everyone who been with me from the beginning.
I love you guys, keep reading and lets get on this journey to self discovery.
Song of the day: Keyshia Cole- Let it go
I know its been a minute but it has been really crazy the last week and a half. On a good note though I officially graduated, the experience has been overwhelming and exciting and I am glad to get that part of my life over with.
Why the title then?
Have you ever had something so bad happen that you have no control over and you continuously want a better outcome, but you are always the one who gets screwed in the end?
Have you ever had the same thing happen to you over and over again and you just wonder why things can't work out in your favor just ONE time, So that you can know what it feels like to be happy?
But you know what, even though it has never worked out, I am going to keep trying and moving until it does. I believe in real love. I believe that one day I am going to find that person who makes me feel like I'm floating on air. I can feel that feeling and I know its real, I know its out there.
So if you feeling the same way as me, just know its going to be OK, we are going to get to the other side together. I don't have much to say but this is kind of how I am feeling, I can neglect you'll now, everyone who been with me from the beginning.
I love you guys, keep reading and lets get on this journey to self discovery.
Song of the day: Keyshia Cole- Let it go
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Time to Clean House
Hey Revolutionists,
I am sure you have had one of those days where you just lay down with your eyes close and you just evaluate all the people, things and circumstances that are going on in your life in the moment.
Sometimes you get to thinking about all these things because you might be under an insane amount of pressure and it is forcing you to think about everything. Or something tragic or drastic might have changed your life course and it really makes you think about your surroundings.
Well everything I have described just now is happening to me at this moment. I layed in bed for hours today and I just thought about everything, the decisions I had made, the people that are around me and the things that I am going through.
THE DECISIONS
I know there are a lot of times people regret things they have done or sit down and dwell about something they could have done differently. I do it all the time, is it the right thing to do? Maybe not but sometimes you need to think about things that you have done so you can know what to do in the future. I made a lot of dumb mistakes but it has made me into the person I am today. I cant beat myself up thinking well maybe I should have left or I should have gone to another school. I should have....No it doesn't matter. No time to think of should haves and could haves. Only time to learn and move on.
THE PEOPLE
Lately I have been evaluating the people around me. Those who want to help me and see me succeed and those who just want to make small talk and tell me that they are going to "pray for me". I have nothing against prayers but I know when someone is really trying to help and when they are just standing around waiting for my downfall. Maybe that's just my own problem, I always want to see the good in people. I have this sick notion that I can save the world. WHO TOLD ME THAT WAS OK? WHO SAID THAT I COULD MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE? WHO TOLD ME I COULD BE THE VOICE? Look at the people who are closest to you and watch how they treat and talk about other people when you are around them...Are you sure that they are not doing the same to you.
That is why I keep my circle extremely small, I trust all but 3 other people in this world and I love it that way because at the end of the day I know that they are going to be behind me 200%.
That's just life you know. If you haven't done this already, lay down one day, close your eyes, relax your mind, add God into the equation and evaluate everything around you. Then make decisions about who you let in your house The whole process is called "cleaning your house". You are getting rid of all the negative dirt so that you can have a positive aroma.
So guys join me on this revolution to self discovery, spread the word. I love you guys!
INSPIRATIONAL SONG: "IT WASNT EASY BUT IT WAS WORTH IT" listen to this song after you read this post
I am sure you have had one of those days where you just lay down with your eyes close and you just evaluate all the people, things and circumstances that are going on in your life in the moment.
Sometimes you get to thinking about all these things because you might be under an insane amount of pressure and it is forcing you to think about everything. Or something tragic or drastic might have changed your life course and it really makes you think about your surroundings.
Well everything I have described just now is happening to me at this moment. I layed in bed for hours today and I just thought about everything, the decisions I had made, the people that are around me and the things that I am going through.
THE DECISIONS
I know there are a lot of times people regret things they have done or sit down and dwell about something they could have done differently. I do it all the time, is it the right thing to do? Maybe not but sometimes you need to think about things that you have done so you can know what to do in the future. I made a lot of dumb mistakes but it has made me into the person I am today. I cant beat myself up thinking well maybe I should have left or I should have gone to another school. I should have....No it doesn't matter. No time to think of should haves and could haves. Only time to learn and move on.
THE PEOPLE
Lately I have been evaluating the people around me. Those who want to help me and see me succeed and those who just want to make small talk and tell me that they are going to "pray for me". I have nothing against prayers but I know when someone is really trying to help and when they are just standing around waiting for my downfall. Maybe that's just my own problem, I always want to see the good in people. I have this sick notion that I can save the world. WHO TOLD ME THAT WAS OK? WHO SAID THAT I COULD MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE? WHO TOLD ME I COULD BE THE VOICE? Look at the people who are closest to you and watch how they treat and talk about other people when you are around them...Are you sure that they are not doing the same to you.
That is why I keep my circle extremely small, I trust all but 3 other people in this world and I love it that way because at the end of the day I know that they are going to be behind me 200%.
That's just life you know. If you haven't done this already, lay down one day, close your eyes, relax your mind, add God into the equation and evaluate everything around you. Then make decisions about who you let in your house The whole process is called "cleaning your house". You are getting rid of all the negative dirt so that you can have a positive aroma.
So guys join me on this revolution to self discovery, spread the word. I love you guys!
INSPIRATIONAL SONG: "IT WASNT EASY BUT IT WAS WORTH IT" listen to this song after you read this post
Monday, May 10, 2010
For real...this time
Hey revolutionists,
I was having one of those thinking moments. Have you ever been in a situation where you kept going back and back again, after always saying this time is the last time?
How do you know for sure that it is the right time. Sometime really tragic happens and you could never see yourself with that person again. Or something amazing happens, you realize your self worth and know that you can do much much better and that you deserve much better.
I personally know girls who are openly ok with sharing a man, each of them continue to fight over him and post pictures of him on their pages, but at the end of the day they have to realize that we were never meant to share that way. Trust me if its anyone who knows how they feel its me. Its like you think you cant live, cant breathe, cant exist without that person. But if he truly loves any of them he would never make them less of a woman for him to seem like more of a man.
If these two girls were to read my blog I would say point blank it hurts when you finally leave. If feels like part of you is missing and you cant seem to find it. But part of you is missing, that weak and vulnerable woman who kept going back she has been destroyed because the strong powerful woman took her down.
It hurts everyday but everyday it hurts a little less. Its going to take time and the longer you stay in a toxic situation, the longer it is going to take to recover from it.
Never let any of these men turn you into something you are not, be strong and fight because if you settle and allow this, more women to come will suffer because its going to start to become the norm. Get up and leave I am telling you at the end of the day when your vision isnt clouded you will see what I mean.
SO join me on this journey to self-discovery and self-love. We can change things with this revolution!
I was having one of those thinking moments. Have you ever been in a situation where you kept going back and back again, after always saying this time is the last time?
How do you know for sure that it is the right time. Sometime really tragic happens and you could never see yourself with that person again. Or something amazing happens, you realize your self worth and know that you can do much much better and that you deserve much better.
I personally know girls who are openly ok with sharing a man, each of them continue to fight over him and post pictures of him on their pages, but at the end of the day they have to realize that we were never meant to share that way. Trust me if its anyone who knows how they feel its me. Its like you think you cant live, cant breathe, cant exist without that person. But if he truly loves any of them he would never make them less of a woman for him to seem like more of a man.
If these two girls were to read my blog I would say point blank it hurts when you finally leave. If feels like part of you is missing and you cant seem to find it. But part of you is missing, that weak and vulnerable woman who kept going back she has been destroyed because the strong powerful woman took her down.
It hurts everyday but everyday it hurts a little less. Its going to take time and the longer you stay in a toxic situation, the longer it is going to take to recover from it.
Never let any of these men turn you into something you are not, be strong and fight because if you settle and allow this, more women to come will suffer because its going to start to become the norm. Get up and leave I am telling you at the end of the day when your vision isnt clouded you will see what I mean.
SO join me on this journey to self-discovery and self-love. We can change things with this revolution!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
When life hands you crap, Get a poop bag
Hey Revolutionists,
I am sure you have had one of those days when you just go, "life cant get any worse than this". But at that moment what exactly is going through your head, do you think about giving up? do you think about dusting yourself off and trying again? Do you think positive or negative?
Before I started this journey, I use to be an extreme pessimist. I always thought the worse of things, I always looked at the glass as half empty instead of half full. I think that's the problem with a lot of people these days, when faced with an unlikely circumstance we run for the hills.
A lot of times people get on me because of the type of person that I am. In my last relationship, he didn't like the fact that I expressed what was going on through my writing. He didn't look at it that I was trying to do something big, that my ultimate goal was to help women in situations like mine. He did not support me, he wanted me to change.
DO you think that people can change?
I heard something the other day and I believe in it. "People don't change, they modify, they adjust but they will always remain who they are deep inside.
The point I am trying to make is, don't change who you are because the other person isn't man or woman enough to handle all that you have to give. I am aggressive in nature because my past has shaped me into that individual. The only way I can change is if I can change my past and the last time I checked no one was able to travel back in time.
SO the next time LIFE, or PEOPLE or CIRCUMSTANCES hand you crap, be true to yourself and never let anyone morph you into what they want you to be.
Everyday is a struggle as I take this journey to self discovery. I have slip ups but instead of falling into old and bad patterns, I logically think about the consequences of my actions and I clean up and move on to another day.
Join me on this journey guys, it only takes a little to make a big difference. Lets make women, hearts, love and this world a much better place.
I am sure you have had one of those days when you just go, "life cant get any worse than this". But at that moment what exactly is going through your head, do you think about giving up? do you think about dusting yourself off and trying again? Do you think positive or negative?
Before I started this journey, I use to be an extreme pessimist. I always thought the worse of things, I always looked at the glass as half empty instead of half full. I think that's the problem with a lot of people these days, when faced with an unlikely circumstance we run for the hills.
A lot of times people get on me because of the type of person that I am. In my last relationship, he didn't like the fact that I expressed what was going on through my writing. He didn't look at it that I was trying to do something big, that my ultimate goal was to help women in situations like mine. He did not support me, he wanted me to change.
DO you think that people can change?
I heard something the other day and I believe in it. "People don't change, they modify, they adjust but they will always remain who they are deep inside.
The point I am trying to make is, don't change who you are because the other person isn't man or woman enough to handle all that you have to give. I am aggressive in nature because my past has shaped me into that individual. The only way I can change is if I can change my past and the last time I checked no one was able to travel back in time.
SO the next time LIFE, or PEOPLE or CIRCUMSTANCES hand you crap, be true to yourself and never let anyone morph you into what they want you to be.
Everyday is a struggle as I take this journey to self discovery. I have slip ups but instead of falling into old and bad patterns, I logically think about the consequences of my actions and I clean up and move on to another day.
Join me on this journey guys, it only takes a little to make a big difference. Lets make women, hearts, love and this world a much better place.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Don't lose yourself in the moment, a Vulnerable woman can be dangerous
Hey Revolutionists,
I am having one of those days, I knew this journey wasn't going to be easy, I think that's why I waited so long to start it. Its like I have a million and one things going on inside my head but its like I cant really say exactly how I feel. My writing is always like that extra boost when I am dying at the end of a race.
Don't you have those moments where its like you just don't know what to do because so many different things are going wrong at the same time?
The biggest mistake I use to make when I was in situations like this was go back to something that was bad for me because I was feeling vulnerable you know, just always going back to something because its familiar.
So I'm here writing you guys because I want to go back to that familiarity but its not good for me and I know I would feel better in the moment but then reality would set in and i will realize how big of a mistake it is.
I want to be inspirational you know, I want to be able to say that I left something that was hard to leave. I want to be able to tell women that it is going to be OK, and honestly I know it is BUT you cant get caught up in the moment when things are not going right. Starting over is harder that I could ever imagine. The whole idea of being on your own is scary.... Who even made it that way?
Weren't we born alone, aren't we going to die alone? SO what is all this fuss about being alone, who ever said it was a bad thing? I think that if you think being a lone is the worse thing ever then you are not ready at all to be with someone. STOP thinking that you need someone to complete you, come to the realization that you need someone to compliment you and be there for you.
I am on this journey to self discovery, it hurts but I'm an athlete I know how to run through the pain. We can honestly start a revolution together if you believe in what I am trying to do.
No one is perfect but try a relationship with yourself, be your number one and i guarantee that happiness will be like a magnet to you.
I LOVE U GUYS lets change the world
I am having one of those days, I knew this journey wasn't going to be easy, I think that's why I waited so long to start it. Its like I have a million and one things going on inside my head but its like I cant really say exactly how I feel. My writing is always like that extra boost when I am dying at the end of a race.
Don't you have those moments where its like you just don't know what to do because so many different things are going wrong at the same time?
The biggest mistake I use to make when I was in situations like this was go back to something that was bad for me because I was feeling vulnerable you know, just always going back to something because its familiar.
So I'm here writing you guys because I want to go back to that familiarity but its not good for me and I know I would feel better in the moment but then reality would set in and i will realize how big of a mistake it is.
I want to be inspirational you know, I want to be able to say that I left something that was hard to leave. I want to be able to tell women that it is going to be OK, and honestly I know it is BUT you cant get caught up in the moment when things are not going right. Starting over is harder that I could ever imagine. The whole idea of being on your own is scary.... Who even made it that way?
Weren't we born alone, aren't we going to die alone? SO what is all this fuss about being alone, who ever said it was a bad thing? I think that if you think being a lone is the worse thing ever then you are not ready at all to be with someone. STOP thinking that you need someone to complete you, come to the realization that you need someone to compliment you and be there for you.
I am on this journey to self discovery, it hurts but I'm an athlete I know how to run through the pain. We can honestly start a revolution together if you believe in what I am trying to do.
No one is perfect but try a relationship with yourself, be your number one and i guarantee that happiness will be like a magnet to you.
I LOVE U GUYS lets change the world
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
A Mother's Love
Hey Revolutionists,
I know all of you know that mother's day is coming up but this post is extra extra special. Today is my mother's birthday and I just had to dedicate this to her.
I know that everyone wants to believe that they have the best mother in the world but I think because of the child that I am, I have the best, strongest and most patient mother in the world.
My mother has been through a lot, she has had things thrown at her every step of the way but to this day she still remains humble because she has faith in God that things will always work out. My mother is so much better than I when it comes to forgiveness,not everyone is perfect and each of us at one time or another has made a mistake. But I look up to my mother and I envy her in a way because even when people try to bring her down or bad mouth her, she never speaks ill about them, all she says is that's God's breath and she continues to speak to them over everything. I talk to my mother almost everyday and I hear about her day to day life and a lot of things that happen, I just know that I wouldn't be able to handle the situation as good as her.
My mother is one of those people that genuinely cares about the youth and helping others and the crazy thing is she doesn't have to do it ,I am her only child and I am done with college, she could just sit around and relax all day. But she is out there just about everyday hustling and getting things done. A lot of times she isn't recognized or appreciated but she doesn't look for that, she just wants the Bahamas to be a better place.
I love you,
because you have been there for me no matter what
I envy you,
Because they try to bring you down but you keep your head up high
I care for you,
because we are suppose to cherish the people we love
I pray for you,
because I thank God from sending you from above
I idolize you,
because you are super human
Ill take care of you,
because you deserve all the riches and treasures that this world have to offer
There is nothing stronger than a mother's love and there is no one in the world I would rather have for a mother, for a friend. No one I would rather have in my life.
So guys this week learn to appreciate your mothers even more, you can never say I love you too much when it comes to mommies.
I cried
Hey revolutionists,
I know that my entries are kind of long but they are very meaningful, I said that I wanted you guys to join me on this journey so that means I should share everything I am going through. Getting over someone you love is very hard and some days you are going to have bad moments, when the only thing you want to do is curl up into a ball and eat ice cream. I just want to share a little something with you guys. Some of you might have felt this way one time or the other and this is to let you know that better days will come.
Today I cried,
just like everyday for the past two weeks
I cried,
because I still love you
and getting over you is not going to be easy
Baby I cried,
Because I will not be able to hear your voice
I cried,
Because I loved you too much and too hard,
I cried,
Because you didn't fight for us
I cried,
Because you didn't love me enough to make it work
Today I just cried,
Because there is nothing I can do to make us right
Ill cry,
until this pain is over
even if it means crying everyday and every night
That was just something expressing how i felt the other day. People handle pain in different ways but I feel like it should be expressed in some way. I shared that today because today is a good day and it made me realize that the sun does shine after the storm.
Join me on this journey to self discovery, I want you guys there every step of the way. I truly want to be happy and I believe this is the best way.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Through Thick & Thin
Hey revolutionists,
I believe that you should have friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. These past few months have really made me realize who are the most important people in my life. If you were to get into a problematic situation, is there one person who you know that you could call on no matter what?
Flashback:
In high school I would alwayyyyssss have girls that would just dislike me for no reason. But if you have been reading my previous posts you would know why I would have a hard time with letting people in. I would always have girls who would say they dont like me because of my attitude, or they dont like me because I think im the shit, it was crazy the things they would say. I am just the type of person that would do anything not to fit in. You can never put me in a box, and I love being that way. The problem is, a lot of people dont understand that and instead of getting to know me they automatically judge me because I think its just easier for people to be that way. But thats ok because then I know that the people who actually try to get to know me genuinely want to be my friend. Even if it is one person, I am completely happy with that.
When I got to college it got worse. I lost a lot of friends and potential friends because of "the situation" ( I think everyone by now knows what the situation is). If this is the first time reading my blog, the sitaution is something I was caught up in for just about two years with a man that I loved involving another female.I think because I didnt have that outgoing personality, a lot of people chose sides before they even knew the complete story. Their was his side, her side and my side and everyone just chose to to be against me. Even my own friends would judge me and look and me different. It was hard feeling like the whole world was against me. But I had some true friends that stuck by me through it all. Even though they didnt approve they let me make my own decision and mistakes and they didnt shun me because of it. So many times the girls who I would hang with I would hear things about them and see things they would do but I never once stop being cool with them because of it.
It got so bad where my male friends would come to me and tell me their girls would say i was mean mugging them around campus, when I didnt even know who their girls were. It got really bad after the anonymous website situation, people just looked at me different. i would have friends who wouldnt even want to chill because they felt that they would be targeted next for being with me. I felt like the whole world was against me and when I needed my friends most they showed me who was really going to be there through thick and thin.
I cherish all my friendships but i am not going to go out of my way to prove myself to people. i feel that if a person is truly your friend when you feel like the world is against you, they will be right there to fight beside you. A lot of people forsaked me because they associated me with drama, or being a hoe or just being a negative person. I feel that friendship is when a person knows all about you and they still like you and want to be around you. I tell people all the time never judge me until you have taken a step in my shoes. Thats what I am trying to do, I am trying to give everyone out there a tour of my closet because I have nothing to hide. But at the end of the day if you decide you do not like me, let it be for the right reasons. Dislike me based off of your own analysis. Not because you heard a rumor or you want to be cool with a certain person, but then I guess thats why there and leaders and followers, its just the way the world is.
Never be a hermit crab, or shape shifter, never change who you are based on the people you around. I have a few extraordinary people in my life and they are honestly the reason I am alive to this day. So many times I wanted to give up when I was in such a dark place but they came with the blazing light, took me by the hand and lead me the right way.
Please join me on this journey to self discovery, I know I still have a lot to learn but I am ready and willing to try. A frend once told me " A friend to many is a friend to none". Just because there are a million people around you that doesnt mean that a million people will fight for you.
I believe that you should have friends that will stick with you through thick and thin. These past few months have really made me realize who are the most important people in my life. If you were to get into a problematic situation, is there one person who you know that you could call on no matter what?
Flashback:
In high school I would alwayyyyssss have girls that would just dislike me for no reason. But if you have been reading my previous posts you would know why I would have a hard time with letting people in. I would always have girls who would say they dont like me because of my attitude, or they dont like me because I think im the shit, it was crazy the things they would say. I am just the type of person that would do anything not to fit in. You can never put me in a box, and I love being that way. The problem is, a lot of people dont understand that and instead of getting to know me they automatically judge me because I think its just easier for people to be that way. But thats ok because then I know that the people who actually try to get to know me genuinely want to be my friend. Even if it is one person, I am completely happy with that.
When I got to college it got worse. I lost a lot of friends and potential friends because of "the situation" ( I think everyone by now knows what the situation is). If this is the first time reading my blog, the sitaution is something I was caught up in for just about two years with a man that I loved involving another female.I think because I didnt have that outgoing personality, a lot of people chose sides before they even knew the complete story. Their was his side, her side and my side and everyone just chose to to be against me. Even my own friends would judge me and look and me different. It was hard feeling like the whole world was against me. But I had some true friends that stuck by me through it all. Even though they didnt approve they let me make my own decision and mistakes and they didnt shun me because of it. So many times the girls who I would hang with I would hear things about them and see things they would do but I never once stop being cool with them because of it.
It got so bad where my male friends would come to me and tell me their girls would say i was mean mugging them around campus, when I didnt even know who their girls were. It got really bad after the anonymous website situation, people just looked at me different. i would have friends who wouldnt even want to chill because they felt that they would be targeted next for being with me. I felt like the whole world was against me and when I needed my friends most they showed me who was really going to be there through thick and thin.
I cherish all my friendships but i am not going to go out of my way to prove myself to people. i feel that if a person is truly your friend when you feel like the world is against you, they will be right there to fight beside you. A lot of people forsaked me because they associated me with drama, or being a hoe or just being a negative person. I feel that friendship is when a person knows all about you and they still like you and want to be around you. I tell people all the time never judge me until you have taken a step in my shoes. Thats what I am trying to do, I am trying to give everyone out there a tour of my closet because I have nothing to hide. But at the end of the day if you decide you do not like me, let it be for the right reasons. Dislike me based off of your own analysis. Not because you heard a rumor or you want to be cool with a certain person, but then I guess thats why there and leaders and followers, its just the way the world is.
Never be a hermit crab, or shape shifter, never change who you are based on the people you around. I have a few extraordinary people in my life and they are honestly the reason I am alive to this day. So many times I wanted to give up when I was in such a dark place but they came with the blazing light, took me by the hand and lead me the right way.
Please join me on this journey to self discovery, I know I still have a lot to learn but I am ready and willing to try. A frend once told me " A friend to many is a friend to none". Just because there are a million people around you that doesnt mean that a million people will fight for you.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Never Settle: An Unshamed Truth
Hey Revolutionists,
I am going to allow you to take a brief look into my past. Something that I wrote almost a year ago. I was having almost the exact same feelings, I wanted to get out of a bad situation, be happy and let go of it all. Its crazy because I wrote it two weeks after I had left q, and here I am about two weeks after I have left him again. So what makes me different this time, this time I am ready to go through the actual hurt and pain to get over him.
I wrote this June 17th 2009, at around the same time I am writing this:
The reason I am writing this note is because in a little over a month I will be turning 21. I feel that turning 21 isn't only the significant number that represents legal freedom but I also believe this is the point in life when changes are made. I didn't want to write this note the night before my birthday but I wanted to write it after I had made the change that would probably change my life for the better. My friends always get on my about wearing my emotions on my sleeve or letting people know too much, but this is the way I am and this is the way I am always going to be. Another reason I am writing is for the people who has seen me as in the villain in more situations than one, even some of my close/friends and teammates have questions my choices even after they had heard the whole story, so to tell it right now seems irrelevant. The message I am trying to send out is to never settle and let people take advantage of you.
The Sins of my father:
It all started when he left and for going on 21 years, he has never been there for me and the emotional baggage I have carried because of this has ultimately damaged my relationship with men. It has always made me question their motives, made me paranoid, made me suspicious about everything. As far away and unaware as he is, he has taken advantage of my soul and tonight I finally realized that carrying around all this weight on my shoulders had made me weary and bitter and made me lash out on all the wrong people. I think it’s time to let it go.....
The Sins of my friends:
Right now I have a great circle of friends who have accepted me and love me for who I am, no matter all the shit that comes along with me. But then I have had some friends in life, which seemed like their only motives were to see my downfall. From High school, I had to put up with the girls and their catty ways, til up to now. But one girl, whose name will never be mentioned, will always stand out like a sore thumb. Now I’m the type of person, I get naïve at times and I feel like trust in females is sacred, but it’s this one girl who has the self destructed brain of a psycho path that would make me choose my friends a little more wisely. She is the girl who will never have any true friends, the girl that befriends new friends with the confidential business of her old ones. Through all of my hatred and dislike for this girl I have realized that its time, I let it go.
The sins of my coaches:
Now remember I said my father had never been there for me, so in my quest to fulfill that empty hole, I turned to two coaches during my college career, that would end the love for a sport that I had tried and worked hard to be the best in since 1999. The first man did his very best to empty out my bank account filled with pride and strength and determination to be better. He did the worse thing a coach could ever do, he killed my spirit and he did it “the smart way”. The second coach was the complete opposite in his methods of course. I looked to him for guidance and help to regain my strength, but the minute I got injured he showed me as much attention as an unwanted child. I carried so much resentment and hatred from my old coach that I was not able to completely heal, I was never the same. But I realized that hating these men will not make me stronger but weaker because I will still be carrying the weight of the pain they inflicted on my shoulders and I am once again weary….I think it’s time to let it go.
The Sins of my lovers:
I have trusted and cared for so many and each time they did something to do me wrong. From my first love to my first real love, each of them has taken away something from me that have left me angry and cold and I will only speak briefly on this subject because of the painful memories it brings back. I will not mention any names for the sake of respect I still have for each one of them. But I will also mention briefly the person who has changed my life forever for the good but mostly the bad. Long story short, we met and kicked it for a while, feelings grew, bad thing he didn’t tell me he had a girl. She came into the picture, I left briefly but he came back. I took him back and for a year we have been to hell and back. September 2nd, November 7th, December 18th will be three dates I would never forget for the rest of my life, all for horrible reasons. I am ashamed and strong enough to admit that I took that role for all this time, but I was weak and I was also in love with love. I always wanted someone to rescue me from my abusive past and the cheating ways of men. I needed so badly that I settled for a love that I had created and imagined. I have realized though, these past two weeks that giving up is harder than trying and I’m ready to be done with all the baggage and secrets and lies and everything that has come to make me who I am today. I think it’s time to let go.
So many women settle and belittle themselves all for the sake of men. What women have to realize is that some men look at them as dispensable, they are probably thinking, if she leaves, i can just go out and find another one willing to do what I want. never be in a position to be replaceable and never give a man the power to control your happiness, take control and be able to love yourself and be happy with just you...be your number one and thats when you can go out and find your soulmate. Confessions are good for the soul and I was tired of carrying this load. I’m done.
Say what you need to say, criticize, talk, compliment, be sympathetic, but I have already started a clean slate, I decided to let it all go.
Back then even though I wrote all those words I still wasnt really ready to let go and go through the pain I am going through now, but I think I was preparing for it. This time I am really asking for help by people reading my blog and learning from it.
So please please join me on this journey to self-discovery, healing one broken heart at a time. I love you guys.
I am going to allow you to take a brief look into my past. Something that I wrote almost a year ago. I was having almost the exact same feelings, I wanted to get out of a bad situation, be happy and let go of it all. Its crazy because I wrote it two weeks after I had left q, and here I am about two weeks after I have left him again. So what makes me different this time, this time I am ready to go through the actual hurt and pain to get over him.
I wrote this June 17th 2009, at around the same time I am writing this:
The reason I am writing this note is because in a little over a month I will be turning 21. I feel that turning 21 isn't only the significant number that represents legal freedom but I also believe this is the point in life when changes are made. I didn't want to write this note the night before my birthday but I wanted to write it after I had made the change that would probably change my life for the better. My friends always get on my about wearing my emotions on my sleeve or letting people know too much, but this is the way I am and this is the way I am always going to be. Another reason I am writing is for the people who has seen me as in the villain in more situations than one, even some of my close/friends and teammates have questions my choices even after they had heard the whole story, so to tell it right now seems irrelevant. The message I am trying to send out is to never settle and let people take advantage of you.
The Sins of my father:
It all started when he left and for going on 21 years, he has never been there for me and the emotional baggage I have carried because of this has ultimately damaged my relationship with men. It has always made me question their motives, made me paranoid, made me suspicious about everything. As far away and unaware as he is, he has taken advantage of my soul and tonight I finally realized that carrying around all this weight on my shoulders had made me weary and bitter and made me lash out on all the wrong people. I think it’s time to let it go.....
The Sins of my friends:
Right now I have a great circle of friends who have accepted me and love me for who I am, no matter all the shit that comes along with me. But then I have had some friends in life, which seemed like their only motives were to see my downfall. From High school, I had to put up with the girls and their catty ways, til up to now. But one girl, whose name will never be mentioned, will always stand out like a sore thumb. Now I’m the type of person, I get naïve at times and I feel like trust in females is sacred, but it’s this one girl who has the self destructed brain of a psycho path that would make me choose my friends a little more wisely. She is the girl who will never have any true friends, the girl that befriends new friends with the confidential business of her old ones. Through all of my hatred and dislike for this girl I have realized that its time, I let it go.
The sins of my coaches:
Now remember I said my father had never been there for me, so in my quest to fulfill that empty hole, I turned to two coaches during my college career, that would end the love for a sport that I had tried and worked hard to be the best in since 1999. The first man did his very best to empty out my bank account filled with pride and strength and determination to be better. He did the worse thing a coach could ever do, he killed my spirit and he did it “the smart way”. The second coach was the complete opposite in his methods of course. I looked to him for guidance and help to regain my strength, but the minute I got injured he showed me as much attention as an unwanted child. I carried so much resentment and hatred from my old coach that I was not able to completely heal, I was never the same. But I realized that hating these men will not make me stronger but weaker because I will still be carrying the weight of the pain they inflicted on my shoulders and I am once again weary….I think it’s time to let it go.
The Sins of my lovers:
I have trusted and cared for so many and each time they did something to do me wrong. From my first love to my first real love, each of them has taken away something from me that have left me angry and cold and I will only speak briefly on this subject because of the painful memories it brings back. I will not mention any names for the sake of respect I still have for each one of them. But I will also mention briefly the person who has changed my life forever for the good but mostly the bad. Long story short, we met and kicked it for a while, feelings grew, bad thing he didn’t tell me he had a girl. She came into the picture, I left briefly but he came back. I took him back and for a year we have been to hell and back. September 2nd, November 7th, December 18th will be three dates I would never forget for the rest of my life, all for horrible reasons. I am ashamed and strong enough to admit that I took that role for all this time, but I was weak and I was also in love with love. I always wanted someone to rescue me from my abusive past and the cheating ways of men. I needed so badly that I settled for a love that I had created and imagined. I have realized though, these past two weeks that giving up is harder than trying and I’m ready to be done with all the baggage and secrets and lies and everything that has come to make me who I am today. I think it’s time to let go.
So many women settle and belittle themselves all for the sake of men. What women have to realize is that some men look at them as dispensable, they are probably thinking, if she leaves, i can just go out and find another one willing to do what I want. never be in a position to be replaceable and never give a man the power to control your happiness, take control and be able to love yourself and be happy with just you...be your number one and thats when you can go out and find your soulmate. Confessions are good for the soul and I was tired of carrying this load. I’m done.
Say what you need to say, criticize, talk, compliment, be sympathetic, but I have already started a clean slate, I decided to let it all go.
Back then even though I wrote all those words I still wasnt really ready to let go and go through the pain I am going through now, but I think I was preparing for it. This time I am really asking for help by people reading my blog and learning from it.
So please please join me on this journey to self-discovery, healing one broken heart at a time. I love you guys.
I have a problem so I run to God
Hey revolutionists,
There are many reasons why I am writing about this topic but something really tragic happened and just like after any tragic thing everyone is running to God and evaluating their lives. But this sounds a little too familiar to me. I have seen it happen after 9/11, I have seen it happen after a death of a young person and I have seen it happened after all those earth quakes.
WHY is it that when something is going completely wrong do we run to God, Why cant we just on any given day say that I want my life to be right. I have had a lot of things go wrong but even when they were going right I still said that I wanted to live a better life and be completely happy with myself. When i talked to the other young woman who was involved in the same situation as me for almost two years, she took it as being a threat to her, and she wasn't trying to give me the time of day. All I was trying to do was show her that what we were doing to ourselves as women was not right in the eyes of God and we both deserved better. If she was ever to read my blog i would want her to know that even though all those things happened between us I am sorry we had to let it get that far.
The point is and i am going to say it because I believe it. Everyone is going to get worked up over something that just happened and the minute it has passed people are going to go about their lives just how they did it before. Think about it, how many times you have watched "feed the children" and you say something like "I want to make a difference" I want to help. But the minute you turn off your television and you go to sleep, by the time as morning those little children will be far from your mind.
Or when the earth quakes happened I saw so many tweets talking about the world ending and people wanting to get their life right. But as soon as the coverage slowed, I didnt see those same tweets and I saw people go about their lives the same way. Its crazy and it happens all the time, I just dont want something tragic happen to you that forces you to change.
I just want people to realize that they have to make their life right for them at a time when there is nothing influencing that decision. You just have to wake and and realize that you want to be happy. I am telling you it works. For so long I have been fighting this feeling that I am here for a bigger purpose, I didn't understand why i was being faced with so many obstacles. They were all tests, to see if I could make it through it all.
Holding on to silly grudges, hating people and judging people for no reason. Hurting people for selfish needs is only going to hurt you in the end. So for everyone out there that are doing these things, you cannot run to GOD when you have a problem. You were the one who were the furthest from him while you did all those sinful things.
Please join me on this journey to self-discovery. Don't let something tragic happen to you for you to want to make things right. I love you guys we can do this together.
There are many reasons why I am writing about this topic but something really tragic happened and just like after any tragic thing everyone is running to God and evaluating their lives. But this sounds a little too familiar to me. I have seen it happen after 9/11, I have seen it happen after a death of a young person and I have seen it happened after all those earth quakes.
WHY is it that when something is going completely wrong do we run to God, Why cant we just on any given day say that I want my life to be right. I have had a lot of things go wrong but even when they were going right I still said that I wanted to live a better life and be completely happy with myself. When i talked to the other young woman who was involved in the same situation as me for almost two years, she took it as being a threat to her, and she wasn't trying to give me the time of day. All I was trying to do was show her that what we were doing to ourselves as women was not right in the eyes of God and we both deserved better. If she was ever to read my blog i would want her to know that even though all those things happened between us I am sorry we had to let it get that far.
The point is and i am going to say it because I believe it. Everyone is going to get worked up over something that just happened and the minute it has passed people are going to go about their lives just how they did it before. Think about it, how many times you have watched "feed the children" and you say something like "I want to make a difference" I want to help. But the minute you turn off your television and you go to sleep, by the time as morning those little children will be far from your mind.
Or when the earth quakes happened I saw so many tweets talking about the world ending and people wanting to get their life right. But as soon as the coverage slowed, I didnt see those same tweets and I saw people go about their lives the same way. Its crazy and it happens all the time, I just dont want something tragic happen to you that forces you to change.
I just want people to realize that they have to make their life right for them at a time when there is nothing influencing that decision. You just have to wake and and realize that you want to be happy. I am telling you it works. For so long I have been fighting this feeling that I am here for a bigger purpose, I didn't understand why i was being faced with so many obstacles. They were all tests, to see if I could make it through it all.
Holding on to silly grudges, hating people and judging people for no reason. Hurting people for selfish needs is only going to hurt you in the end. So for everyone out there that are doing these things, you cannot run to GOD when you have a problem. You were the one who were the furthest from him while you did all those sinful things.
Please join me on this journey to self-discovery. Don't let something tragic happen to you for you to want to make things right. I love you guys we can do this together.
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