A daughter's Pain

Whats up revolutionists! Tonight after another tearful break down I decided to pen an open letter to my father. He passed away over a year ago and by the looks of things the result of not getting closure has taken a toll on me. Although I might not be able to get a response I know that this is necessary for my well being and my sanity. So here we go! Dear Eddie, From as long as I can remember you have never been there for me. When I took my first step, when I lost my first tooth or even when I had my heart broken for the first time. What I do remember is countless phone calls about promised presents and visits that never came. I prayed to God everyday to send me someone that would show me a father's love and no one ever came. Every time we spoke all I could remember is you telling me how much you love me but you never showed it. You left me alone to fend for myself. You weren't there to protect me when the boys came once again with promises they knew they would never deliver. You weren't there when I had my first heart break and I needed you to tell me it would be ok. Because of you I keep looking for these men to fill this hole that you left there and I keep finding men like you. It was so many things I had to tell you and ask you before you died so I could move on so I could understand. Then you left forever and Ill never know. I will never know how to love properly or what I should put up with or for you to sit me down and show me what I deserve. I tried so hard to hate you but my heart cant allow me to hate someone who is part of the reason I am alive in the first place. The type of pain I feel comes in the form of a heart attack as I try to navigate my way through this world. I keep asking God for guidance hoping he would be the one man who never leads me astray but then I get back to this internal struggle of hating you. All the money and the material possessions in this world I would give up so I can have one conversation with you so you could tell me it will be ok and that one day someone is coming to come along and love me for me and treat how i deserve. Why were you never there? How could you bring me into this world and leave me all alone, I have to hate you for that. Now I am at this place and I have these questions that only you can answer. How will I ever know. I will never know, but I had to tell you this that wherever you are I hope that you find absolution and that God has truly forgiven you. I pray that you are RIP because I needed this I needed to tell you that I forgive you too. To my future children I just want you to know that I am fighting to be better so that I can be strong for you and that I hope both of your parents will love you enough to protect you.