Hey Revolutionists,
I am going to allow you to take a brief look into my past. Something that I wrote almost a year ago. I was having almost the exact same feelings, I wanted to get out of a bad situation, be happy and let go of it all. Its crazy because I wrote it two weeks after I had left q, and here I am about two weeks after I have left him again. So what makes me different this time, this time I am ready to go through the actual hurt and pain to get over him.
I wrote this June 17th 2009, at around the same time I am writing this:
The reason I am writing this note is because in a little over a month I will be turning 21. I feel that turning 21 isn't only the significant number that represents legal freedom but I also believe this is the point in life when changes are made. I didn't want to write this note the night before my birthday but I wanted to write it after I had made the change that would probably change my life for the better. My friends always get on my about wearing my emotions on my sleeve or letting people know too much, but this is the way I am and this is the way I am always going to be. Another reason I am writing is for the people who has seen me as in the villain in more situations than one, even some of my close/friends and teammates have questions my choices even after they had heard the whole story, so to tell it right now seems irrelevant. The message I am trying to send out is to never settle and let people take advantage of you.
The Sins of my father:
It all started when he left and for going on 21 years, he has never been there for me and the emotional baggage I have carried because of this has ultimately damaged my relationship with men. It has always made me question their motives, made me paranoid, made me suspicious about everything. As far away and unaware as he is, he has taken advantage of my soul and tonight I finally realized that carrying around all this weight on my shoulders had made me weary and bitter and made me lash out on all the wrong people. I think it’s time to let it go.....
The Sins of my friends:
Right now I have a great circle of friends who have accepted me and love me for who I am, no matter all the shit that comes along with me. But then I have had some friends in life, which seemed like their only motives were to see my downfall. From High school, I had to put up with the girls and their catty ways, til up to now. But one girl, whose name will never be mentioned, will always stand out like a sore thumb. Now I’m the type of person, I get naïve at times and I feel like trust in females is sacred, but it’s this one girl who has the self destructed brain of a psycho path that would make me choose my friends a little more wisely. She is the girl who will never have any true friends, the girl that befriends new friends with the confidential business of her old ones. Through all of my hatred and dislike for this girl I have realized that its time, I let it go.
The sins of my coaches:
Now remember I said my father had never been there for me, so in my quest to fulfill that empty hole, I turned to two coaches during my college career, that would end the love for a sport that I had tried and worked hard to be the best in since 1999. The first man did his very best to empty out my bank account filled with pride and strength and determination to be better. He did the worse thing a coach could ever do, he killed my spirit and he did it “the smart way”. The second coach was the complete opposite in his methods of course. I looked to him for guidance and help to regain my strength, but the minute I got injured he showed me as much attention as an unwanted child. I carried so much resentment and hatred from my old coach that I was not able to completely heal, I was never the same. But I realized that hating these men will not make me stronger but weaker because I will still be carrying the weight of the pain they inflicted on my shoulders and I am once again weary….I think it’s time to let it go.
The Sins of my lovers:
I have trusted and cared for so many and each time they did something to do me wrong. From my first love to my first real love, each of them has taken away something from me that have left me angry and cold and I will only speak briefly on this subject because of the painful memories it brings back. I will not mention any names for the sake of respect I still have for each one of them. But I will also mention briefly the person who has changed my life forever for the good but mostly the bad. Long story short, we met and kicked it for a while, feelings grew, bad thing he didn’t tell me he had a girl. She came into the picture, I left briefly but he came back. I took him back and for a year we have been to hell and back. September 2nd, November 7th, December 18th will be three dates I would never forget for the rest of my life, all for horrible reasons. I am ashamed and strong enough to admit that I took that role for all this time, but I was weak and I was also in love with love. I always wanted someone to rescue me from my abusive past and the cheating ways of men. I needed so badly that I settled for a love that I had created and imagined. I have realized though, these past two weeks that giving up is harder than trying and I’m ready to be done with all the baggage and secrets and lies and everything that has come to make me who I am today. I think it’s time to let go.
So many women settle and belittle themselves all for the sake of men. What women have to realize is that some men look at them as dispensable, they are probably thinking, if she leaves, i can just go out and find another one willing to do what I want. never be in a position to be replaceable and never give a man the power to control your happiness, take control and be able to love yourself and be happy with just you...be your number one and thats when you can go out and find your soulmate. Confessions are good for the soul and I was tired of carrying this load. I’m done.
Say what you need to say, criticize, talk, compliment, be sympathetic, but I have already started a clean slate, I decided to let it all go.
Back then even though I wrote all those words I still wasnt really ready to let go and go through the pain I am going through now, but I think I was preparing for it. This time I am really asking for help by people reading my blog and learning from it.
So please please join me on this journey to self-discovery, healing one broken heart at a time. I love you guys.
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