Hey Revolutionists!!
Its a new year and for the life of me I WILL NOT SAY "ITS A NEW ME". A good friend once told me that I should never change because she loves me just the way I am. So going into this new year I am going to say that I am only making improvements and deletions. Even a car in great condition needs a tune up and oil change once in a while. With deletions being mentioned I realized that there were a lot of negative people in my life who just brought out something bad in me, something that was destroying me from within..something I just couldn't allow to happen anymore!
#in2010 I almost lost my way, I was taken so far off my path I had to crawl blind just to get back where I needed to be. I felt like I had taken my own self hostage and that I held my own happiness for Ransom, waiting for someone else to come along and pay. BIG MISTAKE...I kept trying to let other people determine my self worth and kept giving the responsibility of being happy to someone else.
#in2010 I allowed myself to become consumed and fight for something that GOD did not want me to have and that is why I fell so hard and hurt so bad. When you decide to go up against someone as powerful as God when you decide to challenge the destiny he has laid out for you is when you seek the biggest downfall.
#in2010 I was forever grateful for the handful of friends and family that I could depend on no matter what. I tried everything in my power to push me away but they held on didn't budge and helped me through til the end. For them I am forever grateful.
#in2010 I lost one of my best friends I don't think she knows how hurt I was over it. I don't know how it happened but it did. I know that you cant force people to understand or make them see what you see but I really thought she would be there for me til the end. I know there are always three sides to a story but my version was that she held our friendship for convenience, it was a lot of things that happened and I didn't understand why she was doing it but in the end she chose the people she wanted to be with and I honestly believe we can never go back to the way things were. Just one of those things you have to let go but still cherish. I always love her.
#in2010 I was called pathetic, desperate, crazy and every other derogatory name in the book because I had loved a man. A man who I probably wasn't suppose to fall in love with in the first place, because the more i loved him, the more pain I felt...I kept trying to hold on to something I was not suppose to have, well not at this moment.
I wouldn't let people in, I wouldn't let other men love me, I was too afraid to be hurt again. I didn't know how to move on. But one night I found myself doing something real stupid and I sat in my living room on my laptop looking at the words I was typing not for me but for someone else and I realized that I was done. Strange thing, Keri hilson's song "Breaking point" came on and it was like the words were being imprinted on my heart "Every woman has a breaking point ya’ll (breaking point)
Hey, I know you know, some women can be lied to And cheated on, and beated on
Somebody know, Every woman has a breaking point"...there was a limit to my love and even though i had endured all of those things something just broke inside me and I knew that I had had enough of it all.
#in2010 my father died, I know that I had written about him a couple of times just saying how he had never been there for me and how bout I always wanted a father. I wanted to just tell him all these things and just let him know how I felt. But I can never get a chance to do that because he is gone. I haven't really cried, my emotions have been all over the place, i just don't know. But the hardest part about losing him was not hearing from some of my own close friends, I felt like a lot of people should have reached out to me who didn't but in the end it just makes the deletion process easier.
I hate cutting people out of my life but some times its a necessary pain to get to a positive experience. I truly believe that people come into your life for a reason. My mother, Candy, Brittany, TJ,Shanti, Ashley, Bre, Ashley Harris and countless other family and friends but Quintin came into my life and it was an experience, he became a test of Faith and he became a constant obstacle that I fought for 2.5 years. Because of him I know what true love is and isn't I know my worth and I know how to be strong.
#in2011 I am not going to change my core values I am only going to embrace the lessons I have learnt and the few people I have taken with me. The journey is not quite over, its really just beginning I love everyone who has helped me get this far, I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world.
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