Humpty Dumpty

Hey Revolutionists,
I am pretty sure that everyone has heard of a "little" old nursery rhyme "humpty dumpty", well after reading this entry you will completely understand why I decided to make that my title. I am sure I have mentioned before that basically almost every man I have encountered whether it be a father figure or me real father or a boyfriend has in some way hurt me. But I didn't really go into detail about it. A lot of people don't understand me and I am cool with that, the only reason I am explaining all of this because I know somewhere out there in the world there are women going through the same thing as me and I want to let them know that they are not alone.

Phase 1: I'll call this the sins of the "fathers". I grew up in a single parent home, my father has never ever been around. But I do have a few childhood memories where my biological father would come around and promise me just about anything any young girl would want, and to this day I have never gotten any of those things. My father has not given me one thing in my life, he has never supported me in anything that I have done. I remember a story when I was moving from public to private school and out off all the years my mother asked him to help and he told her to just leave me in public school. I felt hurt but I didn't let it get me down, I worked my ass off and I got a scholarship for track and fiend, nothing was given to me, I worked for it. I remember another story when my mother had decided to put him in court for child supposrt, he appealed the case, threatened my mother's job and has never paid a dime. Now besides him there have been other men who wanted to help out but they were never truly committed. One of them when I got old enough tried to come on to me and the other one just constantly lies about doing things to help me. Lets just say, I have some serious daddy issues.

Phase 2: The sins of my lovers
My first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything probably cheated on me more times than I can count. This right here set off a chain reaction for how I thought I was suppose to get treated. More came after him that cheated and lied and hurt me and it made me start to question myself. What was I doing wrong, what is wrong with me? As all these years have passed I have talked to each of them and they have all told me that I didn't do anything to make them cheat, so I'm still here confused.

But this last one, he honest to God took it all. He did more that shatter my heart, he broke through to the core and hurt my soul. He made me insecure, paranoid, he made me question my very existence as a human being. People asked me over and over why couldn't I leave. But let me tell you something, when someone has broken you down so much and manipulated you into believing everything they say, there is no way to break through those invisible forces to leave. People called me crazy, psychotic, everything in the book, I started to believe I was crazy because of the way he made me feel. I went to a counseling group, I saw a sports psychologist. He literally had me in depression. There were some days when I couldn't leave my room to go to class, it just stayed dark and I cried and cried.

My heart was humpty dumpty, no matter what my friends and family tried to do, they couldn't help me put the pieces back together again. I can describe the situation as a car, if you mistreat your car, run it real down, never take it for a oil change. Always drive it around and never fill the tank with gas, that car is going to give out on you and you are going to have to take it to the junk yard. Well in all this I found a mechanic who was willing to take certain parts from that car and rebuild a brand new model. God is my mechanic, and I left all the emotional and physical pain and the broken heart behind. God has built me into a brand new person. The memories are still there but the scars have started to fade away.

This is what I want people to know, my writing is everything. IT is what makes me wake up in the morning to start another day. It is the only way I know how to express myself, its like oxygen to me. I have been emotionally, physically and verbally abused before but I am still standing. I weathered the storm and I knew that there was sunshine after the rain. Getting over the pain and going through the hurt is no easy task, everyday is a battle. I don't look for pity, I look for understanding and when you read this you will know I am a better person than I was yesterday.

So join me on this journey to self discovery, for the women out there who didn't make it, this is for you. I love you guys lets really start this revolution.